A Heated Argument

Ah summer... The time of year when we slow waaaaay down and enjoy lazy days. We should just give in and enjoy being slow and sluggish. It’s hot. It’s muggy. Don’t fight it. Just have a drink and relax!

I hate it.

It is not in my nature to not do things. Summer is counterintuitive to me. It saps my energy, frustrates me. I know I should just give in and just go with it, but…  it’s a battle I mostly lose.

For example; this year I gave into my kids’ request to not sign them up for camps. We planned; they would help around the house, they would be responsible for entertaining themselves and they would not rely on TV and video games to fill the time. At the beginning of the summer things were going great. They planned to build a gaga ball pit. They drew up plans for a fort. They weeded the flower beds and helped around the house. I was encouraged. This summer was going to be great!

Then, of course, everything started to unravel. The yard was neglected, projects abandoned, chores forgotten, video games played excessively. I tried to get everyone back on track. It culminated in an angry fight between myself and the tween. It was a classic, heated, mid-summer yelling match. I hit the roof and then blew right through it!

Parenting is like adulting on steroids sometimes. You are basically adulting twice. Not only are you trying to figure out how to get your own house in order, but you are training someone else how to do it too. And, you hope that you have done your job so well that they will be better at adulting than you are. But, most of the time, the pre-adults don’t really want to learn the super important, scintillating lessons you are trying to teach them. For someone like me, who thrives on order and process, the messiness of a child’s learning curve and the obstinance - oh lord the obstinance! - can be truly crazy making.

After the tween and I simmered down, we had a reconciliation conversation. Lots of tears were shed. There were a lot of hurt feelings.

I realized – oh wait, he has no idea that I am trying to prepare him to leave me. He just thinks I am being mean.

I had to back up. I explained that I am trying to help him become independent. I told him that, although I don’t want him to ever leave, I know he needs to. When the time comes I want him to feel confident, comfortable and excited about it.

After that, his whole demeanor changed, softened.

What seems perfectly obvious to me, i.e. I am teaching you how to do for yourself, was not perfectly obvious to him. No matter how organized and structured I think I am, I still missed this critical step: let him in.

A relationship is a two-way street. We are always coming and going. If I don’t let my son know I am making a left-hand turn through his lane, we are going to crash. Letting him in on why I am doing the crazy making things helps him understand me. He may not like it, he may not agree with it, but at least he knows a left-hand turn signal means he needs to slow down and pay attention. Likewise, I have to learn to slow down before I turn. I have to wait and see what oncoming traffic is doing before going into his lane. We both have to actively participate in the flow.

This communication side of adulting is always a work in progress. We say terrible things, assume things when we shouldn’t, we forget.

But the most important thing is to keep trying. Because what we learn, we can teach.

Seems perfectly obvious I know, but sometimes the simplest lessons, like slowing down and enjoying the summer, are the hardest to learn.

Blessing and Curses

I currently commute from the west coast where I have family to tend to, to New York City where I teach. I am fortunate. I’ve been able to arrange a temporary fix that allows me to be here for my family on the west, while still maintaining my business on the east. That’s the boon of being my own boss.

The downside is I fly a lot.

Flying is a drag.

But, it isn’t all bad. I have a dedicated six hours of quiet, uninterrupted time to work. I get to watch “chick flicks” sometimes (which, living in a house of boys, I usually have to do after everyone has gone to bed or camping).

Flying a lot means I have “medallion status.” Medallion status means that whenever possible, they pull me from the pleeb seats and put me in the sweet seats.

I’m not gonna lie - the sweet seats are nicer.

That’s the boon to flying a lot.

Nevertheless, I am still on a plane. No matter how nice the upgrade, or the movie, it is still flying. I still have to go through the security routine, pack my bag so that it will fit in the overhead bin and under the seat in front of me, and in such a way that I have the proper clothing, which is always a bit of a mystery because the weather on either coast is very different, and make sure that all my liquids fit in a quart size bag. There are a million little and large annoyances that come with flying.

None of that changes when they upgrade you.  What I am trying to say is this; everything we do is a combination of boons and curses. Subconsciously we may know this, but sometimes it helps to break it down.

This week I am taking a much-needed break from travel. My family has a small cabin in the woods (you can read a little more about it here). I’m going to escape to the woods and unplug a little.

The upsides are obvious; a cabin in the woods near a lake. Duh.

The downsides; I have to pack AGAIN. And this time I am packing for a family of four. And I am not just talking about packing clothes and toothbrushes. Packing for the lake is like packing to move to a new house. There is the food, first aid, books, board games, bikes, the dog stuff - the list goes on and on and on. And I do all this while to listening to swooning songs of the boy band Bored Kids Eager to Hit the Road who replay their greatest hits of “Can we go yet?!” and “He hit me!” over and over and over again.

Getting out of town to go to the woods is an endeavor. You gotta really want to go to get there.

And isn’t that the whole point of doing anything? If we really want it, we have to do a little work to get it. It makes the getting all the sweeter.

This week everyone’s off from training. All the students are getting a well-earned break that I know they will use to work on practicing all their new-found skills (wink, wink ;)).

I hope you get a break too. And if you fly, I hope you get an upgrade. Those seats really are a lot better.

See you on the flip side!

Messages with Friends

I talk to Kate multiple times almost every day. Sometimes it is about work, but many times it is about current events, our families, or she sends me pictures.

We’ve grown so accustomed to talking to each other all the time that we often forget the other person isn’t walking around with us. The other day, Kate texted me, “he told me not to paint with it on!” and I had no idea what she was talking about. Her response, “Oh wait, I forgot you weren’t in the jewlers with me.”

Her response reminded me of my first experience working with a close friend. In my 20s I worked second shift at a corporate law firm with my friend, Alix. At the firm we went from “friendly” to best, best, besties because the job enabled us to constantly talk to each other. We talked all the time. Our work day didn’t start until 4:00pm, so we’d spend all day calling each other to talk about what was on our minds, what were were doing, what we saw, who we saw, and anything else that crossed our minds. When we weren’t talking, we were leaving voice messages. We left long, stream of consciousness messages about everything and nothing. I would call Alix and say, “OK, so I was walking by that coffee shop, on 5th, the one where we saw that famous guy, remember? And…” and on the other end, maybe 2 hours later, Alix would respond, “Uh-huh, yeah I remember…” as if we were having a conversation in real time.

When we got to work we would get coffee, recap the finer points of our day and then carry on talking. I assume we got some work done at some point because neither one of us got fired, but I have no memory of it. I remember spending many hours sitting across a desk with my best friend unraveling the mysteries of the universe and fashion trends.

It felt so normal. Alix was my other self. We joked that we shared a brain. We had so much to talk about it never occurred to me that our habits might seem odd to the outside world.

Eventually, an outsider discovered our GalPal Gab-a-Thon. Alix’s officemate overheard one of my messages and asked, “is that a voicemail?”

Alix replied, “Yeah.”

“It is? What! Why?”

Alix did not understand. She said, “What do you mean?”

He said, “Dude, why is Jen leaving you a five minute message? Does she understand that you aren’t there?”

“Yeah, of courses she does. She’s just leaving me a message.”

Her office mate shook his head and said, “Oh my god, you guys are so weird.”

To hear Alix tell it, she just sat there, blank faced. She had no idea this would seem weird to someone else and she didn’t understand why. We were friends. We had thoughts we needed to share. We liked to talk. What was the problem?

Such is the nature of true love. It blinds and binds us.

Having a friend you relate to so well you almost forget they are not running errands with you is a rare, special gift. The fact that I have had the opportunity to experience it twice in my life is truly, spectacularly, indulgent.

But, that is the boon of doing something with people you love. Working second shift at the law firm was not a great career move. It didn’t pay well and there was no chance of advancement. But, it was a great lifestyle choice. I had my days free and my nights were spent goofing around with people I loved. I had a lot of laughs at that job.  

The same can be said of TSY. Most of the time we are crossing our fingers, hoping and praying we make our ends meet. Our tuition is so low we often wonder just what the hell we are doing and why, but then Kate sends me a message like “Fi is crawling!” along with a picture of her cherubic niece smiling and then I remember why; TSY is not just a business, it is a family. We’re a group of people looking to create a community that extends beyond yoga teacher trainings and yoga classes. We love each other. And we enjoy each other’s company.

I’ve been told that my emails are supposed to offer teaching advice, leadership advice, etc., but this week I don’t want to. What I want to offer you is a piece of advice my dad gave me when I left Spokane for New York City at 18; do not worry about what will happen if you fail. Think instead about what you will lose if you don’t try. Some things cannot be measured by the amount of money you spend, sometimes the experience and the friends you make along the way, is worth so much more.