My younger son is ten years old. Ten is a liminal age, the beginning of the tween years. Being a tween is hard because their whole “thing” is that they are straddling a line between here and there, and not being anywhere. It is confusing, sometimes lonely, and often scary.
This year has been particularly hard for Jai because, not only is he entering his tweens, but he is also mourning the loss of his grandmother. Jai was very close with his grandma. They were kindred spirits; sweet, loving, carefree artists. Losing her was like losing a piece of himself.
Jai has also decided this year that he no longer believes in Santa Claus. For weeks he has been hounding me with forlorn questions like, “Santa’s not real right? I know he’s not real.”
I didn’t really know how to respond. Conventional wisdom says we parents are supposed to take our cue from our kiddo. When the child is ready to move on, they ask. When they ask, we are supposed to give them the “Santa is within” speech. That speech is supposed to help them transition from “gift-getter” to “gift-giver” with grace. It is supposed to make them excited about their new role in the whole Christmas Experience universe.
It is nice and neat, and, when it works, it is a parenting win. I gave the speech to my older son and it worked. He was excited to be in on the secret and embraced Phase II of Christmas Magic with enthusiasm and pride. But with Jai, there was no joy in the big reveal. He was sad and heartbroken. His chin dropped to his chest and he choked back tears. He struggled to articulate why he was taking it so hard, but eventually said, “It was just nice you know? The idea that someone out there was looking out for me.”
Of course, this wasn’t about Santa. It was about his grandma. If Santa was real, then maybe his grandma might not be gone either. Maybe she was out there somewhere, looking out for him. Or, if grandma was gone, it was tolerable because Santa, an old, magical being, was still out there, checking on him. Santa understood his inner most heart. Santa understood what he liked. Santa would reassure him that he was seen, that he was loved.
But now, that fantasy was shattered. Santa wasn’t real and his grandma was gone. And, no matter how heartbreaking it was, no matter how badly Jai wanted to believe in Santa, he didn’t. His maturing sense of self demanded he accept it. Despite the pain, he had to accept a new reality.
This is one of the hardest parts of being a parent. I want to shield my children from every heartache. But, of course I can’t. I can’t mourn for Jai. The best I can do is offer support. I can sit with him, hold him, let him cry. I can help him find words and hold space for him, but I cannot do the emotional work for him. That burden is his. And sadly, the emotional labor is his as well.
Sutra 2.1 of the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, states that we must “accept pain as purification.” We must accept that the work will be difficult and uncomfortable. In taking on the practice, I understand that it will not be easy, and it will be painful, but I do it anyway.
Basically; I choose to grow up.
What a miracle choosing to grow up is! As his parent, I would have happily let Jai spend another year in “Santa Fantasy,” - hell, I would have shielded him forever! - but he forced my hand. I think he needed a new narrative for loss, a way to mourn the loss of two beloved friends. We sat together for a while, discussing how “Santa Magic” still exists, but just in a different way, and then Jai said, “I know you have Santa Magic in you mom… I think I do too.”
We often glorify youth and say things like, “I believe!” as a testament to our blissful ignorance, but I think we should celebrate our successful maturation too. Yes, growing up comes with uncomfortable, hard moments - that is the “emotional burden” of being alive. We don’t get out of bearing that burden by running away from it. When we choose to do our own emotional labor, it moves us from the child-like “gift getter” to the adult “gift giver” – it makes us more empathic, compassionate and loving.
And those are wonderful gifts to give and receive.
May you love and be loved,
give and receive support,
and care and be care for.
This Side of Thanksgiving
Welcome to the other side of Thanksgiving! As you know, the rest of the year tends to fly by. It is classically a time to reflect on the year behind us and adjust our goals and plans for the New Year. Joining the gym, improving our diet, spending less, reading more... you know this story.
Because we are human, we tend to drop these goals shortly after the New Year starts (we all know that story too:)). It is a nice idea, but we all know there is no magical fresh start in January. We are still us and our lives are as busy and challenging as they were a month ago. Plus, the winter days are short and dark, and instinctively we want to curl up against the cold.
Dedicating ourselves to wellness does not happen overnight and sometimes is not very exciting or fun. Work, consistent action, allowing ourselves to fail and keep trying, requires new tools and new ways of approaching ourselves.
Yoga teaches us to be patient, to manage boredom, and to tune in to the beauty and joy in the mundane maintenance of being human. Yoga teaches us to enjoy simple self care: sleeping well, eating foods that nourish us, moving our bodies and making quiet time for our minds. It teaches us to notice our constantly shifting emotions, wants and needs and decide what actions to take and what thoughts to dismiss.
In our yoga teacher training program, you will find a supportive community that celebrates your decision to take time out for you, and supports your desire to focus your energy towards creating your goals. Whether you go on to change your career, or take the training as an investment in yourself, your time spent learning and growing in your yoga community, will be time well spent.
We have two intensive trainings in January 2020. One over the weekends and one during the week. Click here for more information and here to apply.
We strive to keep our trainings intimate, inclusive and affordable. TSY is dedicated to keeping our tuition reasonable and will continue to do so. Historically we have offered deep discounts for students who get their tuition in early. These “early birds” allow us to make budget projections. We now have three tuition prices: the early bird discount, the pay-in-full tuition price and payment plans. Click here for more information.
Join us on Wednesday 12/4 at 4:30pm OR 6:00pm for a free Sample Class & FAQ sessions. Come to see our studio, learn more about the training and practice together. To reserve your spot, email Kate. (Also counts as makeup hours for our alumni!)
We hope you have a successful, joy-filled end to 2019 and we hope to see you soon in the New Year!
-
Love, TSY
A Jen & Kate Collaboration
Thanksgiving Thoughts
Despite my best efforts, there are days when it all goes downhill. The coffee spills, the bag rips, I hurt myself, there is a need I cannot fulfill, complaints, disappointments… no matter what I do, the day cannot be turned around.
Yet I still try and remember I am fine.
I currently live in a city where one fifth of the population falls below the poverty line. 2nd Harvest, a food charity, serves 55,000 meals a week. They serve more meals in one week than runners running the NYC marathon. To put that in perspective; think of five people you know. Now imagine that one of them feels food insecure every day.
That is why, no matter how upset I am at the day, I try and remember that my fellow man, literally that fourth person over, is suffering too. It is a cold, but necessary comfort. A way to keep from wallowing in my own petty self-pity.
Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday because, at the heart of it, it is just a meal. It is a chance to practice gratitude and break bread with friends and family. Such a simple idea.
But, for some of us, it is a reminder of what we lack, of what we cannot provide. For me, Thanksgiving is bittersweet this year. It marks one year from my mother’s diagnosis. In a week, it will be one year from “Five Days and Everything Changed.”
Holidays like this are fraught because they are simple, yet complicated. We get a chance to reflect and practice grace, yet we also don’t stop being ourselves. We show up as we are. And if we are struggling, if we are suffering, that will not change because we made a big meal.
And that is the point; there is so little that separates our suffering. We are all suffering. So, rather than isolate, we really need to reach out; try and help each other out.
As the holiday season ramps up, my hope for you is this:
May you feel loved,
May you be blessed with good food and care,
May you know joy,
and may your burdens be lightened.
With love,
Jen